Oscar Wilde said that loving oneself is the secret of romance for life. But when it comes to maintaining love as a couple, the recipe is not so simple. Accepting your partner as he is can be a beginning, but it doesn’t guarantee a movie ending either. For more relationship solution visit bigmatrimonial.
“Sometimes the couple suffers from small problems that we neglect, thinking that they will fix themselves or that they are not important enough. And these trifles are undermining the relationship until it becomes unbearable ”, shares Patricia Ramírez, psychologist and co-author of the book Ten Ways to Load Your Relationship as a Couple (Grijalbo, 2020).
Therefore, the first rule for a relationship to last seems simple: repair what is annoying or uncomfortable as soon as possible. But it is not always easy to detect exactly the origin of the discomfort or to be correct in the way of communicating it.
Disagreements arise in all relationships, although some suffer them more than others due to their differences in values, hobbies, or life projects. However, although most of the relationship problems are recurrent, no one has come up with the formula that helps end them. We are certain of the behaviors that, if put into practice, end up ruining it. We reveal some of these findings and the solutions to keep it afloat. We have shared These Seven Behaviors Can Ruin Your Relationship here.
1. Believe in the divinatory arts of the other
It’s a classic. One of the couple members gets angry because the other has not been able to read his mind. The expectations we have regarding the other person are the trigger for these types of problems. We tend to jump to conclusions and misunderstandings when we wait for the other party to guess what’s going on in our heads.
“A first way to load the relationship is not to understand and not to put yourself in the shoes and shoes of the couple. It thinks that everything he does, says, or feels is wrong because it does not coincide with your way of processing ”, comment Ramírez and Silvia Congost, the other author in the book.
The solution to these problems is simple: express what we need.
2. Look at the navel
In the face of any love disagreement, we usually focus our attention on our own universe. Of course, getting an emotional X-ray is key at first, but what is the other half feeling?
“The main problem is that we speak to make the other understand our position, to convince him of our arguments, and we stop addressing what the other party needs,” says Ramírez.
The solution is to be more empathetic, try to put yourself in the other’s shoes. “Empathy arises when we listen carefully when we have a sincere interest in what happens to the other. Without cutting him off, without trying to convince him of what we think ”, he says.
3. Not being clear on what we like
During infatuation, we overlook aspects of the other person that we would reject in other situations. Turning a blind eye to certain behaviors or relativizing, some attitudes are common guidelines in brains in love.
“It is not surprising, operating like this, that one fine day we realize that perhaps we have made the wrong choice. That we don’t really like how that person is. From there on, a curvy road begins that can be really difficult to get out of unscathed. We can get caught up in the tortuous journey of ‘I’ll change it’ or ‘ it will change ‘ or ‘I’ll end up accepting it.’ These are three formulas that, to tell the truth, rarely work, ”the authors share in the book.
Faced with this situation, Ramírez and Congost propose an exercise: “Write everything you value, don’t filter or set any limits. If you have a partner, analyze which of these characteristics he or she fits in with to see if you have made a good choice or if you have been wrong ”.
4. Laziness as a way of life
The popular saying goes that confidence is disgusting. Something that happens many times in the couple. Over time, they can lose their ways, not find quality time for the relationship, forget hygiene aspects in front of the loved one and, of course, neglect the details. All this causes a two-way decline that turns the relationship into something uncomfortable.
Solution? The authors recommend making a list of everything you practiced or did initially and that your partner liked. “A list of details, how you took care of yourself, how you treated your partner … And try to repeat it.” Using loving words with the other, taking care of oneself and the home, or taking an interest in the other person are habits with which this problem can be solved.
5. Forget about limits
Just as we live socially according to certain limitations, it is also necessary to set rules in the couple. “To build healthy and satisfying relationships, we must be very clear about where our limits are. In other words, what is it that we are not willing to negotiate under any circumstances, “they explain.
According to the experts, the key is how we react to harmful behaviors or situations. If we normalize these attitudes, the other party will continue to do so. “We decided to let it go, and when the event is repeated two or three more times, to bear it, what our brain does is take the weight off it. Look for arguments to justify it so that we don’t see it so serious ”, they comment. But every time these circumstances arise, suffering settles in the person who has not set the limits.
In these cases, relationships tend to become toxic, and the best option is to end them. “If you need the other person to change, why did you choose such a person? Wouldn’t it make more sense if you had chosen someone precisely because you like them the way they are and are capable of accepting them? ”They reflect.
6. Avoid communication
Communication is essential for a relationship to work. But it is not about talking for the sake of talking but about addressing conflicts in the right way. “Understanding allows us to solve other problems. If you cannot talk about it, if you do not empathize with the other party’s position, if you do not argue yours, if you do not express yourself clearly and instead of doing so, you close in on the band, other conflicts cannot be resolved. And the conflicts that are left unresolved, many times become encyst, but rarely are they solved alone ”, they argue.
Good manners go through respecting the times and the silences. Likewise, labels should be avoided: “It is important to eliminate comments such as« with you, it is impossible to talk, look at how you get.» The only answer to that expression is “well, you …”. And at that time it is better to stop talking. You will have made communication a coming and going of reproaches ”, they share.
The communication should be kind, loving, and polite and always try to interpret others’ actions well. “Most of his forgetfulness, absentmindedness, is not intentional, much less with the intention of annoying.”
7. Try to control the other
As much as you try to justify it, there is no good reason to look at WhatsApp, email, or try to know where the couple is at all times. Some carry out this type of intrusion into others’ privacy due to pathological jealousy. In these cases speaking with a professional is the best way to redirect the behavior. “There is another group of people who somehow engage in these behaviors because they have lived with partners in the past who have made them suffer from their deceptions, lies, infidelities, and manipulations.”
When this circumstance occurs, regaining self-esteem and trust in the other is the only way for the bond to be maintained. “Mistrust, jealousy, and control are ingredients that always spoil the relationship. If they never break it, they poison it in such a way that it is tough to repair the damage ”, explains the psychologists.